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This weekend:
I hung out with a cool boy
and we had cool drinks
and we wandered around like cool kids around evanston
and had cool conversations that lasted til 6am
and woke up in a cool futon that wasnt that cool
and we had a cool breakfast together that was just milk and a swig of jameson
and we drove in my car listening to cool tunes back home
and we sat in the grass and talked about cool subject matters
what a fuckin cool boy =]

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So I've been considering things lately, one of them was eating meat again. And guess what? I'm eating meat now. I needed it, it wasn't good for my health to be a vegetarian. too many problems, too many pills, too many supplements, too much to worry about. so here I am, a meat eater, delicious meat eater.... the other day I finally bit into a huge burger my mom made and half way through it, i ran, no, sprinted to the bathroom and in less than a minute i no longer had that burger in me. my mom came in and asked if i wanted to finish the rest, i looked at her with my teary eyes and said yes, i wanted that fuckin burger in my stomach. i returned to the table and stuffed it in my mouth. i was having terrible pains but i thought, its staying down there, i even resorted to yelling at my stomach, "you better fuckin keep that meat in you, you asshole" regardless of the pains, it stayed down. I've been missing out on meat for almost a year and a half... its about time it got its much needed attention. as for cruelty to animals...before i get into this, PETA is insane, absoulty insane, and many other vegetarians would agree. they paint such an awful picture for these animals, its a farm, shit like this has been going down for a long time. there is always gonna be cruelty in the world, to whom ever, animal, human, plant, you name it and its probably gotten cruelty.as for killing them, is there really a RIGHT way of killing an animal? probably not. and dont give me this shit about how they feed them crap, they have always fed them crap to eat. we all chemicals, they're all bad for us in some way, everything is bad for you in excess. we just have to learn to take everything in with measurements. it isnt that hard, we were born with canines to eat meat and molars to eat vegetables, we need both, just like lions need meat and zebras need grass. we're both and we have that curse of needing both things. if you want to be a vegetarian thats fine, good for you, but dont join PETA and their insane ways of painting things. when i became a vegetarian i vowed never to join PETA along with other vegetarians. this is a big rant about PETA pretty much, but hopefully some people will realize how crazy they are.
Meatfully yours,
Lucy

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Its hard to look both of them in the face and not cry because I know what is coming. I feel numb, detached from reality. This can't be happening. My hysterical cries of trying to calmly resolve things is slowly making me go insane. I can't take it. I want to hide underneath my bed and not hear anything. I don't think I'm cut out for this making me go even more mad with confusion and distress. I don't want to accept that I've been living a lie about doing therapy as my career. What am i suppose to do? Just sit here and cry all day staring into space wishing that I would just leave and everything would work out when i got back. Who the hell am I kidding? Nothing works out. I will accept no pity because I'm the stupid ass who tried to help, i deserve this, i deserve crying my eyes out over this, i deserve it all. please, just bring on everything bad in the world and get it over with while my face is still pouring out tears. give me the bad news, all of it. I wanna cry about it all once. and when the bad news finally comes ill be dry from all my tears and nothing will phase me. this is quite possibly the worst day of my life. if not it ranks pretty fuckin high up there. And when im done crying, I want to drive and drive far away with my mom, she doesnt deserve this. I love her too much.