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SAIC:
I love it, just love it. The people, the conversations, the Jackson Pollack joke that made me pee my pants of laughter. Its amazing and everything I wouldve hoped for. Only downfall is that I spend a ridiculous amount of money at Blick and Utrecht, but I guess its worth it.

Work:
Is alrite, I dont really like working all weekend but it gets me the money I so desperatly need. I talk to my manager behind the register all day, I guess i shouldn't complain.

Love:
Its great and he's great.

Overall view:
Awesome :)

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Its late and I haven't posted in maybe two months.
Here is what I want from my summer:
~more money for college
~hang out with friends I love
~train wreck my brain
~bomb the shit out of places
~recieve millions of kisses from him
~watch fantastic movies
~go to Canada to get more absinth
~design more tatoos
~learn to cook well
~lay out in the sun
~drink wine with every meal
~be a better person
Things I would like in the Fall:
~get passing grades in school
~meet new people
~sleepover Brian's every chance I get
~ride the shit out of the train with my CTA pass
~carve pumpkins
~jump in a pile of leaves
~drink lots of expensive wine and imported beer
~go back to Europe
~be in Chicago as much as possible
~see him every chance I get
~be a better person
Let the fun begin.

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Don'ts:
I don't want to be sick.
I don't want snow.
I don't want to go to math class later.
I don't want to cough every few seconds.
I don't want to go in my car, its cold.
I don't want to go to printmaking.
I don't want to think the way I do.
I don't want to be piss poor anymore.
I don't want to be in debt to SAIC for teh rest of my life

Do's:
I want to go see HORSE.
I want to get better.
I want to get one m ore tattoo.
I want to get one more piercing.
I want to go live in the city.
I want it to be September.
I want more money.
I want a better job.
I want to lay in bed all day.
I want warm weather.

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This weekend:
I hung out with a cool boy
and we had cool drinks
and we wandered around like cool kids around evanston
and had cool conversations that lasted til 6am
and woke up in a cool futon that wasnt that cool
and we had a cool breakfast together that was just milk and a swig of jameson
and we drove in my car listening to cool tunes back home
and we sat in the grass and talked about cool subject matters
what a fuckin cool boy =]

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So I've been considering things lately, one of them was eating meat again. And guess what? I'm eating meat now. I needed it, it wasn't good for my health to be a vegetarian. too many problems, too many pills, too many supplements, too much to worry about. so here I am, a meat eater, delicious meat eater.... the other day I finally bit into a huge burger my mom made and half way through it, i ran, no, sprinted to the bathroom and in less than a minute i no longer had that burger in me. my mom came in and asked if i wanted to finish the rest, i looked at her with my teary eyes and said yes, i wanted that fuckin burger in my stomach. i returned to the table and stuffed it in my mouth. i was having terrible pains but i thought, its staying down there, i even resorted to yelling at my stomach, "you better fuckin keep that meat in you, you asshole" regardless of the pains, it stayed down. I've been missing out on meat for almost a year and a half... its about time it got its much needed attention. as for cruelty to animals...before i get into this, PETA is insane, absoulty insane, and many other vegetarians would agree. they paint such an awful picture for these animals, its a farm, shit like this has been going down for a long time. there is always gonna be cruelty in the world, to whom ever, animal, human, plant, you name it and its probably gotten cruelty.as for killing them, is there really a RIGHT way of killing an animal? probably not. and dont give me this shit about how they feed them crap, they have always fed them crap to eat. we all chemicals, they're all bad for us in some way, everything is bad for you in excess. we just have to learn to take everything in with measurements. it isnt that hard, we were born with canines to eat meat and molars to eat vegetables, we need both, just like lions need meat and zebras need grass. we're both and we have that curse of needing both things. if you want to be a vegetarian thats fine, good for you, but dont join PETA and their insane ways of painting things. when i became a vegetarian i vowed never to join PETA along with other vegetarians. this is a big rant about PETA pretty much, but hopefully some people will realize how crazy they are.
Meatfully yours,
Lucy

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Its hard to look both of them in the face and not cry because I know what is coming. I feel numb, detached from reality. This can't be happening. My hysterical cries of trying to calmly resolve things is slowly making me go insane. I can't take it. I want to hide underneath my bed and not hear anything. I don't think I'm cut out for this making me go even more mad with confusion and distress. I don't want to accept that I've been living a lie about doing therapy as my career. What am i suppose to do? Just sit here and cry all day staring into space wishing that I would just leave and everything would work out when i got back. Who the hell am I kidding? Nothing works out. I will accept no pity because I'm the stupid ass who tried to help, i deserve this, i deserve crying my eyes out over this, i deserve it all. please, just bring on everything bad in the world and get it over with while my face is still pouring out tears. give me the bad news, all of it. I wanna cry about it all once. and when the bad news finally comes ill be dry from all my tears and nothing will phase me. this is quite possibly the worst day of my life. if not it ranks pretty fuckin high up there. And when im done crying, I want to drive and drive far away with my mom, she doesnt deserve this. I love her too much.

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So instead of doing anthropology I'm here, wrting in this thing, that one person will read, thank you sarah =] anywoo, its been a rough 2 weeks since i last posted. Anxiety is slowly taking over my life. I've been trying to reduce by doing yoga and so far its been calming me down. Somehow I realized that I wasn't gonna go through life having this attacks and somehow I need to get over this with my own will and not the help of any medicine. It is my personal goal, I'm gonna do it.
Lately I've been super inspired to do everything, paint, draw, fashion construction/destruction. It's been ultra refreshing. Its almost as if I have the minds of many people right now and they're all feeding me inspiration, its just the best feeling ever. I feel enlightened I guess you could say. I've been opening my eyes to more styles, colors, designs, etc.
I'm super excited about sending out my applications. Its totally nerve wrecking but I had fun filling them out. I just sent my SAIC and De Paul one. awesome. I just need UIC and then I'm set.
I wanna live in a world where blunts are $0.50
where writers are united for one big piece.
where bombing isn't seen as vandalism, more like expressive art.
where I can live in chicago comfortably with little money
where I can train wreck my brain all day and not have it affect me negatively
where lay around in my underwear without being judged
where listen to mogwai for countless hours
where all my friends are back and we spend hours playing apples to apples
where I can fly to far off lands whenever I want
where madd dogg 40's are only a buck
lets learn to live, its the only thing we have left

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I turned 19, wow its been a fast ride so far. I can almost pin point the day 7 years ago someone asked me what I would be doing in 7 years, my teacher Mrs. Del Santo asked the class one by one. She was unique like that, I mean who asks "What will you be doing in 7 years?" Only her, she was one of the best teachers I had. awesome. I remember thinking "being 19, I'm gonna be in college and on my own possibly in a dorm" I was right about the college thing, I wish I would've gone straight to a university or a specialty school. I know what I want to do. I know what I want to be, I know what degrees im shooting for. I should've left.
So yesterday was the actualy birth date. It was ok, one of my friends threw me a "party" at his place, what a nice guy. It was more along the lines of eating cake and watching movies, none the less, it was a pretty good time with good people. I recieved so many phone calls from my friends wishing me a happy birthday, it was nice to have that kind of attention. I really appreciated my family calling me long distance to wish me a happy birthday, its always the best part of my day, when I get to hear my aunts, uncles and most of my cousins singing me happy birthday. best family ever.
So lately I've been binging on the following artist, let me know what you've been binging on:
1.Blackalicious
2.Dj Shadow
3.Mos Def
4.Wu-Tang Clan
5.Atmosphere
6.Bjork
7.Animal Collective
8.Fiona Apple
Its mostly been urban hip-hop. I've never really been listening to it as religiously as I do now. Its a nice change. I've been getting interested in maybe learning to do work the tables. If that would work out then I could do gigs at clubs and stuff, I'd get paid extremely well. I'm crossing my fingers for that, it would be so amazing if it worked out.
So last night I had a mind altering experience, I still remember my thought process because in the morning I thought, "why am I thinking about this?"
(it went kind of fast and I didn't bother to make sense of un-formed sentences)
-take the eyelid and split it only until the end of the eye
-stop shaking
-sit in a cloud nice and warm
-what if we turned into F's
-pete looks like brian from class
-he's got big bags under his eyes, like they can melt all the way down to his feet
-veins, why were they green? how did theyt get them like that?
-stop shaking, shake it all out
-my eyes are on fire
-if i wait then my throat wont be on fire but the flame feels like its growing.
-I cant even eat this, then ill kill it
-if I hide in my coat, the cold cant get me
It was a night of crazy thoughts and somehow, those are the best nights.

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things I have been getting into lately:
(let me know what you are getting into)
1. rings and jewlery making
2. wildstyle graffitti
3. photoshop
4. printmaking
5. silk screening
6. The Godfather films
7. anthropology
8. driving stick shift
9. saving money
10. fashion construction and de-construction


All these things have been making me happy as of lately. School is back in session and to be honest I'm pretty excited about my classes. Especially art history, anthropology, and printmaking, so my electives. I still need to bulk up my portfolio. I need models, I need inspiration, and most importantly, I need money.
I was at starbucks on my break once from work and I saw this lady just lounging drinking coffee and reading a book. Then her phone rang and I guess it was her friend. I didn't listen to much of the conversation being that it was mostly about her kids and how great they're doing, I personally didn't care. As she kept talking she blurted out "Oh yea, i love being able to sit around starbucks all day and not have to work, becuase you know, Kevin(probably her husband) is bringing in a lot of money." I concluded, I need to marry rich.
Enough about not having money, what I do have is motivation. I want to make it, I want to travel, I want to make my parents proud. Awesome right?

so this is it

here it is.
enjoy it.